Barack Obama: “My hands are stained with the blood of insurgents”

In what was widely seen as evidence of his move toward the political center, Barack Obama claimed Monday to have “personally tortured insurgents” at Camp Guantanamo. After his National Security credentials were questioned by leading Republicans, Obama responded that, “McCain may support Guantanamo, but has he held an Arab underwater until he stops thrashing? Has he casually extinguished cigarettes on their eternally damned skin? Has he turned up the Michael Bolton music at their most vulnerable moment?” He went on to say that he would “enact strong legislation” to expand the scope and breadth of activities at the U.S. base. “Romney says he’ll double Guantanamo’s size? I will triple Guantanamo! I will depose Castro and make the entire nation a U.S. internment camp! And I will slaughter all who opposes me!” Obama’s comments resulted in a wave of assurances from the right that they were just as decisive in the War on Terror. Newt Gingrich promised to firmly deal with hippies, Sam Brownback pledged to investigate violent homoeroticism, and McCain reportedly claimed to have supported torture as far back as 1984.