Attorney General: Nation’s potheads driving up the price of munchies

The Justice Department warned the nation today of potentially severe rises in munchie prices, which it attributed to the population of marijuana smokers. According the Attorney General, “I know some out there would say that this is a victimless crime, but those are people who have not bought a Crunch Wrap Supreme recently.” He also advised the public not to take the threat lightly, due to “the wide ranging effects this could have on small-town America, on everything from Doritos to microwaveable Philly Cheesesteaks.” This is only a latest in a long run of scandals which the marijuana community has been implicated in. Smokers of the herb have been accused of being peace-lovers, free thinkers, insufficiently patriotic, watchers of MSNBC, and preachers of tolerance and understanding. “If we don’t deal with these people soon, they will seriously impede our ability to wage the war on terror,” claims a senior defense analyst, “it’s crucial that our citizens see the world in black and white, good and evil, heaven and hell, or the terrorists have already won.” A Justice Department spokesman claims the latest news vindicates the current policy of handing out severe sentences to minor drug offenders and driving up prison populations to levels unprecedented in the developed world, but claimed that more action is required. “We need a tax cut.”