Fuck the Prime Directive

As I cast my critical eye on our current political deadlock, I can’t help but wonder if both parties could learn some valuable lesson from the Star Trek universe.

The Republicans could do well to look at the Klingons, a violent, blustering race obsessed with victory, empire, and the length of their man-parts. They swagger through the galaxy reeking of hubris and vodka (or so I imagine), breaking out the bat’leth at any hint of an insult to their honor or the rigidity of their forehead creases. Clearly these are a people suffering from a low self-image due to the lack of a nurturing father-figure, as well as a need to exert force onto their world as a compensation for earlier feelings of humiliation and powerlessness. Their dependence on violence actually leads to the weakening of their empire, and prevents any meaningful progress in social areas.

On the other hand, Klingon women are generally superior in bed.

Meanwhile, the Democrats, like the Federation, are a group of ineffectual fairie-men, lacking the balls to stand up for their lofty ideals. They sit there engaging in petty dialogue and noble entreaties while the Klingon Cruiser lobs 4 proton torpedoes into their forward weapon banks. By the time they’ve decided to take a militant stance, they have already been incapacitated by the harsh Rovian attacks of the enemy. And while we all admire the skill with which the savvy and sophisticated Picard and the logical yet intuitive Data manage to extricate themselves from the situation, they never should have been there in the first place.

So we have the Klingons provoking a conflict with both the Cardassians and the Federation, which only results in massive casualties, while leaving all parties exposed to the immanent threat of the Jem-Hadar (Global Warming). And the Romulans are just sitting there playing us against each other. And so the Euro’s now worth $1.70. Damn.

Audrey, please start the fucking revolution already

A note to robber barons, the serfs are restless, we'll be coming for you soon.


http://www.ips-dc.org/articles/452

Things I wish I could say in German to my obsessive-compulsive roommates, but instead I just nod and say Ja

You know they say Hitler was impeccably neat.

Way to perpetuate ethnic stereotypes there.

I’ll be in room listening to David Hasselhoff on my headphones if you need to bitch about something else.

You think this kitchen’s dirty, you should see German porn.

Would you like some cheese with that whine? That is German custom no? Oh French? You all look all the same to me.

Sounds like someone needs to watch the Sound of Music again.

You wouldn’t last long on a U-boat

Well I want you to don a lederhosen and sing Rammstein, we don’t all get what we want.

There’s a better way to let that anger out than writing notes on the kitchen door, no?

Sorry, I did nazi those dishes over there

German beer is so much better than American beer, after only 4 or 5 you’re nearly attractive enough to cancel out your personality.

Perhaps you would like to taste my sauerkraut?

Choke on a Danish bitch.

Recurring fantasy

I imagine myself several years in the future, having entered the police force and been assigned to riot control. The great showdown between the abused masses and corporate elites is about to take place. Thousands of riot police form a barrier to the capitol building, blocking millions of enraged proletarians. At the moment of greatest tension, when the crowd begins to edge forward and the cops brace to tear them limb from limb, I take a few steps forward. I brandish my baton high above my head, and over the disgruntled roars of millions, I turn back toward the line and yell "Spartaaa!" (or whatever city-state I'm feeling like that day). I plunge into the police line, shield thrusting mightily like an enormous freedom phallus, breaking a gap in the lines. The crowd follows, and everything descends into darkness.

A guy's chances of getting laid at a bar: 0*

I'm not sure where the myth came about that a bar is a great place to pick up chicks. You watch any medical drama or Lifetime special, and you get the impression that a bar consists of maybe 10 people, 6 of whom are beautiful women sitting by themselves looking bereaved. So being the type of guy I am, I have endeavored to carry out a mathematical analysis of the chances for a guy at the average bar.

Lets take a sample size of 200 people.

First lets assume that 60%, or 120 of these people are in some sort of relationship. This relies on observations in Weingarten, and may be a high estimate for the U.S., but there's more chastity girls in America, so it cancels out.

out of the remaining 40%, almost every guy goes out to a bar, while a far greater percentage of girls either don't drink, or stay at home wishing people loved them. I've never been to a bar or club with more girls than guys, so I think we can safely assume that for those 40 guys, only 25 girls will show up.

Out of those 25 girls, about half will be inaccessible, in "feminine clusters", unapproachable by even the most courageous male.

of the 12 girls left, only half would be willing to sleep with a guy on that given night, even if the right one comes along.

so basically we have about 40 guys competing for 6 girls. Sounds rough, but wait it gets worse...

naturally not everyone willing to get laid will get laid, one of the more depressing facts of life

so, lets just say for fuck's sake that of the 6 available girls, 3 will get laid

now for some reason or another, there's a 5% of the male population that can get laid whenever they want with whoever they want, yes, we all hate their guts

so in this population that will be two guys who will sleep with two of the remaining three girls

so your chances are basically being one of the 40 guys competing for the one remaining girl. she will NOT be sitting by herself at the bar. and you will go home horny and resentful.

about the only thing more unlikely than getting laid at a bar is getting laid if you're the kind of guy who writes mathematical analysis of sex

*experimental evidence suggests that the logic above may be faulty, although technically speaking I didn't fuck her in the bar

Barack Obama: “My hands are stained with the blood of insurgents”

In what was widely seen as evidence of his move toward the political center, Barack Obama claimed Monday to have “personally tortured insurgents” at Camp Guantanamo. After his National Security credentials were questioned by leading Republicans, Obama responded that, “McCain may support Guantanamo, but has he held an Arab underwater until he stops thrashing? Has he casually extinguished cigarettes on their eternally damned skin? Has he turned up the Michael Bolton music at their most vulnerable moment?” He went on to say that he would “enact strong legislation” to expand the scope and breadth of activities at the U.S. base. “Romney says he’ll double Guantanamo’s size? I will triple Guantanamo! I will depose Castro and make the entire nation a U.S. internment camp! And I will slaughter all who opposes me!” Obama’s comments resulted in a wave of assurances from the right that they were just as decisive in the War on Terror. Newt Gingrich promised to firmly deal with hippies, Sam Brownback pledged to investigate violent homoeroticism, and McCain reportedly claimed to have supported torture as far back as 1984.

Attorney General: Nation’s potheads driving up the price of munchies

The Justice Department warned the nation today of potentially severe rises in munchie prices, which it attributed to the population of marijuana smokers. According the Attorney General, “I know some out there would say that this is a victimless crime, but those are people who have not bought a Crunch Wrap Supreme recently.” He also advised the public not to take the threat lightly, due to “the wide ranging effects this could have on small-town America, on everything from Doritos to microwaveable Philly Cheesesteaks.” This is only a latest in a long run of scandals which the marijuana community has been implicated in. Smokers of the herb have been accused of being peace-lovers, free thinkers, insufficiently patriotic, watchers of MSNBC, and preachers of tolerance and understanding. “If we don’t deal with these people soon, they will seriously impede our ability to wage the war on terror,” claims a senior defense analyst, “it’s crucial that our citizens see the world in black and white, good and evil, heaven and hell, or the terrorists have already won.” A Justice Department spokesman claims the latest news vindicates the current policy of handing out severe sentences to minor drug offenders and driving up prison populations to levels unprecedented in the developed world, but claimed that more action is required. “We need a tax cut.”

Home-schoolers insist that they are just socialized as public-schoolers, “with a 4.34 percent margin of error”

Leading home-school advocates are making a concerted effort this year to end what they see as unfair stereotypes about their movement, especially the idea that home-schoolers do not receive the socialization necessary to function in society. In the words of young home-schooler Malachi Justice “we really are just as socialized as the public-schoolers, to within 3 standard deviations, we just avoid partaking of the Godless fornication and brainwashing which occurs in those schools.” Home-school demigod Michael Farris agrees, “these kids go the same Christian Soldier™ Camps, churn the same butter, memorize the same scriptures, and wear the same chastity shorts that any normal red-blooded American kid does, we’re not freaks.” Others point to the wide variety of social options available to kids within their home-schooling groups, including Bible Bowls, Math teams, Fight the good Fight clubs, and knitting networks. Home-schoolers insist that they will not take the abuse anymore. As young Malachi exclaimed, “If I hear one more generalization about home-schoolers, well heck, I reckon I’ll go Robert E. Lee on them.