Bush to Nation: "I gave my nukes to Jesus"

Speaking from Camp David yesterday, Bush reassured a nation uneasy about growing tensions with Iran, promising that he will only employ nuclear missiles "in accordance with Biblical law." Appearing with Defense Secretary Robert Gates, the president sought to quell rumors of an impending strike. "I know there's this idea going around that I'm some sort of cowboy that don't think through the consequences of my actions," he went on to say, "but rest assured, if these weapons are used, and that's a big if, it will only be after I have seriously consulted the relevant scriptures and assorted commentaries." He also promised to hold off any significant military action until God's will was clearly evident. Bush has assembled a blockbuster council of religious advisers to aid in this endeavor, including Pat Robertson, Jim Hagee, and Kiefer Sutherland.

Evangelical leaders continued to voice their approval today, having lobbied for months against the secular use of these nuclear devices. According to a statement by the Southern Baptist Convention, "in these days of chaos, threats and insecurity, it's a comfort to see that the most powerful weapons in the history of civilization are in the hands of someone who shares our belief in a literal interpretation of scripture."