My apology for Obama's pastor

I understand the political realities that require Obama to publicly denounce his pastor's comments. I'm aware of the cultural realities which demand that politicians pay lip-service to the flag-waving zealots among us who believe that our nation serves as a beacon on a hill despite knowing absolutely nothing about the countries which surround us. Fortunately, in a land of hyper-nationalism, imperialism and xenophobia, no one really cares what I believe. So I will write the apology that I wish Barack Obama had given.

"My fellow Americans, I must offer my sincere regrets concerning the comments made by my pastor and others in the African-American community. The ungratefulness they show borders on treasonous when you consider what America has given us. You brought us over from primitive, barbaric Africa, and for hundreds of years provided us food and shelter while giving us free agricultural training. The beatings were rare, and usually deserved. Even after we caused the horror of the Civil War, you allowed us to harvest your crops. You provided us our own private water fountains and restrooms. A mere century after you so nobly liberated us, you allowed many among to start attending the same universities and schools as whites, and you called in the National Guard, so that anyone who wanted to harm these brave students would have to wait until dark to lynch them. You provided us ghettos to live in and kept our schools funding low so we would acquire your white protestant work ethic. You sent the marijuana users among us to jail for life, so they would not bother us anymore, and so that the single mothers back home would not have such a negative father figure to help raise the children. You reformed welfare, so we would all learn the value of hard work at the nearest minimum wage job, and thrift as we attempted to raise our families on minimum wage. Meanwhile you plundered the wealth of poor and indigenous people around the world, so our lives would look good in comparison. You made sure that every police officer caught on tape beating a black man would have a reasonable chance of being reprimanded.

Yet after all of what you have done for the African-Americans in the nation, some still have the audacity to harbor anger in their hearts. And how dare he compare the lives lost in Japan to those lost in the Twin Towers? Everyone knows Asian civilians are not as important as American civilians. It's time to turn our anger toward the real villians in this country, 'fornicators, immigrants, scientists, intellectuals, and those who dare question authority.' Then we can change this nation into the America we all aspire too, 'one nation, under God, with liberty and justice for wealthy country-club Christians who believe in a literal flood.'"

I guess that would have made him the "sarcastic black guy" though, and we can't have that.